Wikipedia:Peer review/1995 Pacific Grand Prix/archive1
1995 Pacific Grand Prix[edit]
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for August 2008.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I think it can become a featured article. It is similar to the 1995 Japanese Grand Prix article, which recently became an FA. Thanks, D.M.N. (talk) 13:38, 20 August 2008 (UTC)
Comments
- I'd consider merging the first two sentences since the second is a little stilted.
- "race" gets four mentions in the first para of the lead, a bit too much.
- " Hill, as a result, ..." = "As a result, Hill..."
- "with Schumacher dropped down to fifth" - "dropping" or "and Schumacher dropped..."
- "Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops, allowing him, on a new set of slick tyres to close on Coulthard, who was on a two stop strategy." - this sentence needs work. A few too many clauses and commas for good reading.
- The only feasable option, I think, is to split it into two sentences. It now reads: "Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops. This allowed him, on a new set of slick tyres, to close on Coulthard who was on a two stop strategy." - I've also changed the comma positions. D.M.N. (talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
- "to open a margin between the two of 21 seconds" - at what point? at the very end? So maybe "to win by a margin of 21 seconds?"
- Reconfirm it was the 1995 Drivers Champion in that last line in the lead.
- I wouldn't link "third round of the season" - instead I'd say "third round of the 1995 season
- OK. Changed positioning of link.
- "Only a maximum of 30 points were available for the remaining three races, which meant that Hill could still win the title." - why Only? If Hill could still win there's no real need for the Only there.
- "third, fourth and fifth places were covered by three points:" not sure this is needed - the subsequent facts spell it out.
- "In the two weeks leading up to the race, there was heavy criticism towards, Damon Hill," -I think you need only one comma, the one after Hill.
- Brundle's quote doesn't have quote marks or anything around it so it looks a little odd because the infobox and image squeeze it in - it appears as a normal paragraph rather than a quote.
- "title—rival" - no em-dash here, just a hyphen.
- You use FIA as an abbreviation before abbreviating it.
- "emphasied " -typo.
- "The Benetton cars disappointed" - team, cars or cars and drivers? You're placing undue emphasis on the team/car here I think.
- "albeit two seconds off the pace." - why "albeit"?
- "commenting on wasting a new set of" - wasting seems a little POV?
- "from the dirty side of the track." - dirty side probably needs explanation for non-experts (I take it you mean the side opposite to the racing line?)
- "only two positions behind team-mate Blundell" - two places?
- " 21 degrees celsius" - use the {{convert}} template for Imperial-ists...
- "Coulthard converted his pole position to lead into " - pole position is lead so it wasn't converted. Perhaps you need to emphasise that he held his position at the front of the race?
- I'm thinking something along the lines of "Coulthard, from his pole position slot on the grid, maintained his position at the front to lead into...." - Does that sound any better (note: I haven't yet put it into the article). D.M.N. (talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
- Maybe something like "Coulthard, from pole position on the grid, held onto the lead into..."? more concise but captures everything you're saying? The Rambling Man (talk) 17:17, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
- I'm thinking something along the lines of "Coulthard, from his pole position slot on the grid, maintained his position at the front to lead into...." - Does that sound any better (note: I haven't yet put it into the article). D.M.N. (talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
- "were baulked by the " I'm not sure what you mean by this?
- Don't link Benetton in Benetton pitcrew - the section of the article you link to isn't specific.
- The tables aren't sortable so I'm wondering if you need to relink repeats (like Williams, Renault etc).
- Um. As it's the same sort of information, I guess there's a valid argument to remove the links in the race table per WP:OVERLINK. Do you think I should remove them? I'm leaning towards removing them. D.M.N. (talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
- I don't see a need to embolden the top six finishers - they have points in the points column so it should be obvious. If you leave it like that then you ought to have a key.
- Any reason why Lap is capitalised in the second table?
- Probably worth explaining to a non-expert what the Pos, No etc means.
- No need to bold Schuey or Benetton in the Standings section. It's obvious they're top. Because they're at the top!
- I may have missed it but did you mention this was the last running of the Pacific GP?
Hope these comments help. The Rambling Man (talk) 16:15, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
Comments - My peer-reviewing services were requested on my talk page, so I've come to offer some pre-FAC advice. Hopefully this won't take as long as the last one.
- Couple of problems with the lead: It serves as a race recap only and could summarize the whole article better. The pre-race, qualifying and post-race sections aren't represented at all. Also, the one-sentence paragraph at the end of the lead could be moved to the end of the first paragraph.
- Background: "Schumacher would be more than twenty points ahead of Hill with two races remaining." Should be 20, to match the others numbers nearby.
- After looking at point 4 here, I've changed it. D.M.N. (talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
- Citation required for the media's criticism of Damon Hill's driving.
- "However, the Formula One's governing body, the FIA emphasised..." I think this would be tighter writing: "However, Formula One's governing body emphasised..." The last word is British English, correct?
- Yeah. I've changed it to your version, seeing as how "the FIA" is mentioned a few lines earlier.
- Practice and qualifying: Move the link for slick tyres up one line.
- Race: Repeated Jean-Christophe Boullion link. Also a repeat racing line link.
- "Hill in third, who himself only a few tenths behind Alesi." Connector needed.
- Give Autocourse link italics.
- "Irvine was heading for eighth place, but made an unsecheduled pit stop..." I'm pretty sure this isn't British English.
- Might be going into original research territory with this one, but how rare is it for a driver to come back from fifth to win a race? I don't know much about Formula One, but from what I've watched there is never much passing. Could be an interesting angle for the article.
Hope this helps. The lead should be your primary concern, but overall it's in good shape. I actually think you have an advantage with this as compared to the other article, because this race sounds more exciting, giving you plenty to write about. Giants2008 (17-14) 22:30, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)
- You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC. The sourcing looks good.
- Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 22:46, 22 August 2008 (UTC)