Talk:Battle of Hyrba/GA1

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GA Review[edit]

Hi, I am Ario as you know, and I have done everything you told me to do below, and as a administrater I suspect you are, please if you could tell others to help me out, IF there are still any more problems. And some of the sentences are directly from the books that I referenced, so leave the editing to me, because I don't want someone else to accidently delete words that are from the original source, because its hard to tell what I wrote in the context of what I was referencing to make it shorter, from what the actual authors wrote, so thank you. Also if you could just read the new thngs you see below, and the dashes means that I checked of a requirment you told me to do, so bye.--Ariobarza (talk) 02:48, 9 August 2008 (UTC)Ariobarza talk[reply]


Hi. I'm going to be reviewing this GA Nominee. By the way, you should add the GA banner on the talk page for future nominees. Intothewoods29 (talk) 15:17, 6 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]


I'm failing this GA nom, sorry. There are so many astounding grammatical errors, not to mention the murky timeline of events and the miscommunication. below are just some of the stuff that needs to be fixed.

Lead / Picture
  • The lead should be at least three paragraphs! That's almost enough for a fail right there./
  • Actually, lead length varies per WP:LEAD; I advocate expansion in order to fully summarize the entire article, but there is no set number of paragraphs a lead must be. For such a brief article, the lead may not be more than two. María (habla conmigo) 16:38, 6 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Check with an expert Wikipedian about your fair use excuse. Try and find a painting of the area that was made 70+ years ago, so it's public domain./
  • First of all, thank you for assessing this article, second the image is a picture of norther iran, near the battle site, found on geocites website, with no file history, and no one claiming its theirs, so that is why ask a user to make it public domain, because I have trouble uploading images. Thirdly, when I put marks in the end of sentences, it means I am checking of that requirment.--Ariobarza (talk) 04:36, 7 August 2008 (UTC)Ariobarza[reply]
Background
  • First sentence of Background is incomplete! Fix it!/
  • Second sentence of Background is really unclear: "The possible date of the first battle can be deduced to have taken place a little after the summer of 553 BC, when the revolt already began, so the battle is thought to have happened in the beginning of 552 BC". Here you mention two battles that happen a year apart, and it sounds like they're the same battle!/
  • Who is Astyages in the third sentence? But "Astyages, the _____ , had earlier..."/
  • "through Oibares?" Explain!/
  • Fourth sentence begins "For the first time he had gone to his parents" and the rest of the sentence doesn't seem to have anything to do with the first time. Also, is it the first ime ever? I doubt it/
  • Fifth sentence in Background: you begin with "Which"! That is really bad grammar. Also, you use the word "which" three times in the fifth sentence.
  • Sixth sentence: "This confirms the notion that the battle took place months after the revolt, which Cyrus desired to return to his father and fight along side of him" doesn't make sense; the two clauses don't work together./
  • Seventh sentence: "Astyages history changing decision..." what descision? To let Cyprus return to his parents? Elaborate please/
  • In this section, you assume that the reader knows who all these people are! This section really needs a lot of TLC. Make sure you hit Background with some copyeditors before you renominate for GA again./
The motives
  • the motives for what?/
  • Sentence ending "since then Astyages was more accepting of Cyrus" is unclear. since when? as time passed, Astyages became more accepting?/
  • The sentence "But he eventually did, at it helped terminate his own kingdom.[22]" has two problems:
  • it begins with "but"/
  • it's worded to suggest that he let Cyrus go because (as) it helped to terminate his kingdom. I think you mean something like "He let Cyrus go, and this led to the termination..."/
  • A lot of the motives is discussing why things happened ("When Astyages was tricked by Harpagus again"), but the reader (me) doesn't know what happened, so it's pointless!/
  • The last sentence in the first paragraph is a huge run-on sentence!/
  • There's a lot more that can be fixed here./
  • Fix the red link ministrel/
The battle / Aftermath / the rest
  • This entire article needs a lot of work, so I'm just scanning now. Here are a few things I saw, but there's a lot that needs copyediting/
  • "His true aims he did not communicate to him". Sounds like his goals weren't talking to him./
  • The true aims sentence comes directly from Dunckers book, which displays the 18nds style of writing, and may be an actual translation from Greek to Engish, of Niclaus's original words, which he is main source on the whole battle, so I have to plagarize to make it sound better.--Ariobarza (talk) 19:38, 7 August 2008 (UTC)Ariobarza talk[reply]
  • In aftermath, you begin a sentence with And./

Please do not renominate this until you get a lot of people to work on the grammer. Sorry for being a bit harsh, but this is not a GA. Intothewoods29 (talk) 16:20, 6 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

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